The Anatomy of a Birder

The Anatomy of a Birder
I heard it in the hedgerow, in the neighbor’s yard;
A bird I’d never heard before, I listened very hard.
I crouched so low and crept so soft, I traumatized the cat;
He, too, had heard this lovely bird, and knew where it was at.
I used the cat and all his skill to point me on my way;
Then with assumed seniority, convinced him not to stay.
Again, I moved toward the sound, whittling the gap;
Peering through the hedgerow, the sound my only map.
But then a silence filtered in, no longer any sound;
A stillness overtook me, as I sat and glanced around.
Then movement through the tangled leaves, slight but just enough;
And eye contact in shocked surprise, with my neighbor in the buff.
I can’t explain, the bird had flown, the cat only assisted;
And now I can’t enjoy my birds, my neighbors think I’m twisted.
—Dick E. Bird

Bird Feeding and Squirrel Self-Defense Thoughts

What makes wrinkles?
Wrinkles are folds in the skin. They become aggravated as you get older and have to deal with squirrels on your bird feeder. If your skin were just big enough to cover your body when it was straight in every part, how would you ever kneel down to pray that your squirrel gets amnesia and forgets your address, or bend your elbow to scoop seed for your bird feeder? There are two kinds of wrinkles. Squirrel wrinkles and non-squirrel wrinkles. Non-squirrel wrinkles are those that cover your knuckles. They allow you to make a fist and pound on the window. But true squirrel wrinkles are those that are caused as a direct result of squirrel frustration. You find these wrinkles in your face.

Face wrinkles are made by repeating the same motions so many times that creases will not come out. Yelling at squirrels is a known crease increaser. Thinking good thoughts makes northern wrinkles and thinking squirrel thoughts makes southern wrinkles. As you get older and your soft, pliable, youthful skin begins to go south, it is very important to smile a lot and make cordial conversation with your squirrels.

Squirrels never get wrinkles because wrinkles often come to a face when it grows thinner from old age. The extra skin folds in, just as a prune, when it dries. Squirrels naturally offset this natural occurrence by continually filling their faces at your feeder. So stop being an old prune. Smile and fill your face every chance you get!

Silent Invasion

The morning damp and still,

Before the warming sun.

The meadowlark at work,

The owl is almost done.

The sounds that fill the air,

Are those I've heard before.

They seem a bit more quiet now,

A dimming of the roar.

Could it be so slowly,

That the sounds I love are lost?

To a generation farther on,

Who cannot grasp the cost?

Never have upon their ears,

The sounds I hear today.

And never know the loss exists,

Because time steals away.
Perhaps this thief has had me too,

And robbed me of the sound,

My father’s father used to hear,

Some generations down.

—DICK E. BIRD

Do birds sneeze?
Sneezes are caused by tickles and tickles are caused by feathers. So it would make sense that birds would sneeze, but they don’t. Birds have a highly compact nose design. Sneezing is derived from a tickle in the nose. The tickling is a notice to the brain to drive out the intruder and clear the airway. This is why some people actually blow their brains out when they sneeze. Sneezing is actually a quick out-breathing ordered by the brain and carried out by the lungs. Some people sneeze when they look at the sun. This explains why some people think they are allergic to birds. They are looking at their birds, which are sitting in the sun. The theory is that the sun irritates the eyes, which irritate the nose, which irritates the brain causing a sneeze that irritates your birds. The conclusion is that if you have no brains you will not sneeze, and if you do not sneeze you will have more birds. This is where the description bird-brain comes from. You can stop a sneeze by pressing a nerve on the side of your nose and pretend you have no brains.